What exactly constitutes a good relationship? What makes one last difference while others fail? The thing is, there’s no one single point. Every single perosn is different, each relationship is different and for the most part, what happens in life will dictate whether or not a relationship will last the difference or not.
But there will be habits that can make or break a relationship. And it’s not always the habit that is the issue, but how you approach or overcome it.
This post is going to look at some habits that need to be caught and addressed early so they don’t cause real damage in your relationship, and you can work on them and move forward toward a healthier relationship.
Going to Bed Angry
Everyone will have arguments, and it’s completely natural for things to get heated from time to time.
But how you dissolve the tension, and you move forward, is what matters.
It’s not always about literally “going to bed angry”, that’s the issue here. It’s letting the argument settle and fester, which makes it worse in the long run.
The thing here is that if you are clashing, it’s about not letting things simmer and resentment build between the argument and the resolution point.
If you feel you cannot resolve the issue, agree that this needs a resolution and table a time to come back to it. It might be in the morning, once you’ve settled and are thinking clearly, it might be you might discuss things later in the day, but not going to bed angry frequently or letting arguments build is the aim here, so you can air any grievances and clear the air efficiently.
Keeping Score
This one tends to start somewhat responsibly. It’s noticing a small imbalance here or feeling like something isn’t fair.
But when this becomes a permanent mental ledger, you have a problem.
Who did the washing up last? Or noticing who had 3 Saturdays to themselves while the other had the children and no free time, or who gave in during the last argument, etc.
These things can add up quickly, and if you’re keeping track and running a tally, then you need to stop and address them.
Relationships aren’t always 100% equal in all areas. It’s give and take, and you need to make sure that both parties are pulling their weight without small inconveniences turning into huge issues, which just build resentment.
Address any major issues, come to a resolution, and if you can’t, then discuss what the future will look like so things don’t deteriorate from here.
Withdrawing Instead of Sharing
If you feel like you cannot communicate your concerns fully the you might feel like withdrawing into yourself is the best option.
But again, this can make things feel even worse.
If you can’t start a conversation, you struggle in bringing up heavy or hard topics, or you are trying to protect yourself by keeping things in, nothing will change, and even the slightest disagreement can turn into something bigger than it needs to be.
It might be that taking a compatibility test can help you understand each other so you can engage more easily and get things out in the open instead of withdrawing. Because if you can meet each other in a neutral place and appreciate communication styles, you can avoid withdrawing into yourself when things get hard and encourage open dialogue, enabling you both to work through problems in healthier, more predictive ways.
Assuming
Assumptions aren’t going to help anyone here, and if you’re not asking your partner what they want or need, or you’re assuming they know what you want or need, there’s going to be a lot of crossed wires.
Once you have been together for a certain length of time, you should both know each other’s wants and needs and be able to meet them automatically.
But if you’re getting it wrong, if neither of you has clearly discussed your needs and both are assuming these needs, this absolutely needs rectifying. Your partner cannot read your mind, and you cannot read theirs. So say it clearly, remove the friction and get on the same page, even if its feel hard to do so.
Not Making an Effort
This is a huge habit you want to avoid in getting into.
If you’re not making an effort outside of the big occasions, you need to know why and what changed.
These “big occasions” can be anniversaries, birthdays, Valentine’s Day, etc. And while it is good to make an effort here, you need to be showing up and making an effort every day in between, too.
It’s the day in day out routine of life that needs your attention, not just a few select days per year.
It is checking in and being an active partner in the relationship. It is doing things because you can for no reason, and you want to, not because you feel you should for a special occasion.
The cumulative effect here is a relationship in which both parties are choosing to be focused on what the other needs daily, not just when they think it matters.
Letting Friendship Slide
Not with other people with each other.
The romantic side of the relationship can often get a lot of attention here, but if you’re not treating each other as friends, too, this will be a huge problem. It’s the small details like enjoying each other’s company, having conversations, laughing together, spending time together, etc., not because you have to, but because you want to.
And when things start to fail in a relationship, this can often be the first thing that disintegrates. And from here, it can feel like you’re living with someone with a shared history, not just someone you want actively involved in your life.
If this is something you notice is happening, take the time to spend more time together to rebuild the friendship and see where things go from here.
